Hi, this is gonna be another rants. Don't be surprised if it's more incoherent than you'd suspect this post would be, because nothing is coherent for me at this very moment and I think I'm not even sorry. I have so much to think and so much to feel, but welp what's new though. That's just how I normally am.
2020 is a tough year. Time went by so fast, for those who don't do anything. It's me, I'm one of those. It's just staying at home for months, do grocery shopping, attend closest ones' wedding, read, spazz, sleep, eat, repeat. I don't even have any idea why I didn't write as much as I always do, when I'm as always, so full of feelings and emotions because what would a Fai be without all those overwhelming things?
Come December and I suddenly feel like I've wasted so much times daydreaming. Like, literally daydreaming. When I could fucking learn a new language and do an entirely new thing as a hobby instead. Plotting out a new best-seller to be novel, for example? Since someone had been so keen to become a writer? Help if that someone ain't me and that very someone also had no idea why she had no motivation to do so. Why didn't I even think for my master's research proposal, for good? If anything, these times could be a good time to think and reflect. But holy god, what's to reflect? Blaming my self for stuffs I don't want to happen? Saying I'm not beneficial to society even when I'm already on my mid 20s? I do that so often, I lost count. Fuck, I'm so totally lost in this pandemic effect and I literally think it's a miracle that I haven't gone insane for real.
Things to keep me sane? As always, of course something unreal. Fictional characters on anime, novel, movie, you name it. Now that I think about it, something fictional is a double-edged weapon for me. It made me shifting my focus from the real cause of my depression, yet it also made me run from it. But, it made me not so depressed anymore. If anything, the depression they caused me just made me giddy and restless for thinking WHY TF CAN'T YOU ALL BE REAL???? I don't even know how I'm able to feel this much for something unreal. I just.....love them so much. So much that I think my heart could burst out with love and all these affections. Okay, maybe now I'm starting to sound like a mad woman.
A few days ago, I had a phone call with one of my friend. We talked, about so many things. About how old we have become, future plans that I don't really have (or know), but mostly about our time in uni. Yes, uni had passed for so long yet look how emotionally attached I am to that particular time. Uni was literally one of my best time living on earth, honest-to-god. They felt so silly, so nice, so fun, like a breeze blown on a bright day with blue skies and not-so-hot shining sun. Sure, I prefer cloudy days and even stormy days, but having them once in a while was so good too. And my friend agreed with me on that. Days on uni felt so short, but they're unforgettable and certainly irreplaceable. I found my self wondering how despite things I hate back in uni, I'm still quite fond of them. Things like distance I had to cut with 2 hours long ride from home back and forth, people I don't vibe with, subjects I don't really pay attention to, and so on. Uni days were really my favorite period to live in. If people could choose to re-live one period of their lives, I would without no doubt choose uni.
But now is now and memories are only something that evokes nostalgia. I have new work to do, new people and environment to be adapted to, and new.....life, perhaps. I'd be far from home, I don't even know how I'd survive but let's pretend this is an exercise for when I studied abroad later. I just hope things are getting better, be it for me and my family or things in general. I hope this pandemic would be over soon because I really really need my escape getaway by meeting nature again without any feeling of insecurity haunting.
See you next year, if life is still kind enough to befriend me and not dragging me to meet death, instead.
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