Last 2020 Chit-Chat

Hi, this is gonna be another rants. Don't be surprised if it's more incoherent than you'd suspect this post would be, because nothing is coherent for me at this very moment and I think I'm not even sorry. I have so much to think and so much to feel, but welp what's new though. That's just how I normally am.

2020 is a tough year. Time went by so fast, for those who don't do anything. It's me, I'm one of those. It's just staying at home for months, do grocery shopping, attend closest ones' wedding, read, spazz, sleep, eat, repeat. I don't even have any idea why I didn't write as much as I always do, when I'm as always, so full of feelings and emotions because what would a Fai be without all those overwhelming things?

Come December and I suddenly feel like I've wasted so much times daydreaming. Like, literally daydreaming. When I could fucking learn a new language and do an entirely new thing as a hobby instead. Plotting out a new best-seller to be novel, for example? Since someone had been so keen to become a writer? Help if that someone ain't me and that very someone also had no idea why she had no motivation to do so. Why didn't I even think for my master's research proposal, for good? If anything, these times could be a good time to think and reflect. But holy god, what's to reflect? Blaming my self for stuffs I don't want to happen? Saying I'm not beneficial to society even when I'm already on my mid 20s? I do that so often, I lost count. Fuck, I'm so totally lost in this pandemic effect and I literally think it's a miracle that I haven't gone insane for real.

Things to keep me sane? As always, of course something unreal. Fictional characters on anime, novel, movie, you name it. Now that I think about it, something fictional is a double-edged weapon for me. It made me shifting my focus from the real cause of my depression, yet it also made me run from it. But, it made me not so depressed anymore. If anything, the depression they caused me just made me giddy and restless for thinking WHY TF CAN'T YOU ALL BE REAL???? I don't even know how I'm able to feel this much for something unreal. I just.....love them so much. So much that I think my heart could burst out with love and all these affections. Okay, maybe now I'm starting to sound like a mad woman.

A few days ago, I had a phone call with one of my friend. We talked, about so many things. About how old we have become, future plans that I don't really have (or know), but mostly about our time in uni. Yes, uni had passed for so long yet look how emotionally attached I am to that particular time. Uni was literally one of my best time living on earth, honest-to-god. They felt so silly, so nice, so fun, like a breeze blown on a bright day with blue skies and not-so-hot shining sun. Sure, I prefer cloudy days and even stormy days, but having them once in a while was so good too. And my friend agreed with me on that. Days on uni felt so short, but they're unforgettable and certainly irreplaceable. I found my self wondering how despite things I hate back in uni, I'm still quite fond of them. Things like distance I had to cut with 2 hours long ride from home back and forth, people I don't vibe with, subjects I don't really pay attention to, and so on. Uni days were really my favorite period to live in. If people could choose to re-live one period of their lives, I would without no doubt choose uni.

But now is now and memories are only something that evokes nostalgia. I have new work to do, new people and environment to be adapted to, and new.....life, perhaps. I'd be far from home, I don't even know how I'd survive but let's pretend this is an exercise for when I studied abroad later. I just hope things are getting better, be it for me and my family or things in general. I hope this pandemic would be over soon because I really really need my escape getaway by meeting nature again without any feeling of insecurity haunting.

See you next year, if life is still kind enough to befriend me and not dragging me to meet death, instead.

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Twitter Hari Ini dan Satu Dekade Lalu

Sebagai seseorang yang lahir di tahun 90-an tentu saja saya tidak lagi asing dengan media sosial yang satu ini. Sebelum instagram berkuasa, banyak sekali orang-orang yang memiliki akun di twitter. Mereka berkicau, begitu aktivitas yang seolah disampaikan oleh medsos berlambang burung ini. Saya pertama kali membuat akun di tahun 2009, ketika saya masih SMP dan twitter hanya digunakan sebagai medsos sampingan selain friendster. Twitter berfungsi sebagai tempat curhat saat itu, baik secara terang-terangan atau pun cuma dengan kode-kode semata. Saat itu, saya berinteraksi hanya dengan teman-teman real life saja, teman-teman yang juga memiliki akun serupa.

Sekitar tahun 2012, saya membuat akun kedua. Side account, alter account, spazzing account, akun ava korea, you name it. Tujuannya tentu saja tidak lain dan tidak bukan agar saya punya tempat khusus untuk melontarkan pikiran-pikiran tentang grup-grup favorit saya. Dari akun ini, saya mengenal orang-orang asing. Orang-orang yang hanya berinteraksi dengan saya lewat layar gawai saja, namun entah mengapa terasa nyaman. Orang-orang yang di hari-hari kemudian menjadi teman-teman terdekat. Bertemu dan mengobrol langsung, tertawa, marah, hingga menangis karena hal yang sama. Kehidupan twitter circa 2012-2014 mungkin adalah kehidupan sosial favorit saya. Namun, selayaknya setiap hal pasti mengalami perubahan, begitu juga pertemanan. Sayang sekali, karena berbagai macam alasan, kami tidak lagi berbicara sebagaimana sebelumnya. I'm sad, but I'm still trying to keep in touch with all of them.

Ketika instagram muncul sekitar tahun 2013, twitter tidak lagi sepopuler sebelumnya. Linimasa akun pertama saya sepi bagai kuburan. Suatu hal yang sebenarnya amat saya syukuri, jika boleh jujur, hahaha. Saya tetap rutin membuka twitter, meskipun teman-teman hijrah ke instagram. Kemudian tiba-tiba, sekitar tahun 2018/2019, twitter kembali booming. Saya tidak tahu sebabnya, tapi kemudian orang-orang berbondong-bondong kembali ke akun twitter mereka. Baik pengguna lama maupun pengguna baru. Tentu saja saya overwhelmed dengan keadaan ini. Timeline tiba-tiba jadi ramai lagi. Saya pikir, loh apa sih ini kenapa pada balik lagi? Tapi tetap saja saya belum menemukan jawabannya.

Saya menjumpai perbedaan umur yang cukup jauh ketika berinteraksi dengan pengguna twitter sekarang ini. Hampir semuanya lahir di tahun 2000 ke atas, alias kok saya tua banget ya? Hahaha. Tapi serius, saya kaget banget ada anak umur 14 tahun udah ngomongin hal seksual secara terbuka. Like???? Kid???? Helloooo??? Talking about some guys' Dicc openly isn't cool??!?!? Tapi mungkin memang beginilah dunia berjalan. Arus informasi makin deras dan tidak terbatas, teknologi berkembang semakin maju, orangtua juga makin kesulitan mengikuti dinamika dunia yang berlari cepat seperti sedang ikut perlombaan. Saya tidak tahu apakah tepat menilai semuanya dari kacamata konvensional saya sebagai orang yang secara umur sudah terhitung legal dan dianggap mampu bertanggung jawab atas diri sendiri, tapi saya pikir anak di bawah umur tetap saja masih belum pantas melontarkan kata-kata sejenis.

Satu dekade yang lalu, belum banyak akun-akun personal dengan puluhan ribu followers yang jika muncul sekarang akan dibilang selebtwit. Akun-akun dengan ribuan followers dulu adalah akun-akun yang terkenal dengan kumpulan quotes patah hati, quotes film, dan segala jenis quotes lainnya. Juga akun-akun official berita televisi/koran. Sama sekali berbeda dengan twitter sekarang ini yang kebanyakan berisi berita-berita artis dengan thread-thread kontroversial dan semacamnya. Kadang juga demi popularitas semata. Twitter sekarang ini juga berisi berbagai macam tips dan cerita lucu dari berbagai sumber, yang meskipun menghibur kadang tetap terasa overwhelming bagi saya. Twitter satu dekade yang lalu adalah rumah, tempat saya pulang dan bercerita tentang bagaimana hari yang saya jalani hari itu, baik pada teman-teman atau sekadar bicara pada diri sendiri. Twitter hari ini adalah ladang engagement bagi beberapa orang, bukan lagi sekadar platform mencari teman dan pasangan apalagi cuma wadah spazzingan.

Masa twitter satu dekade yang lalu mungkin sudah berlalu, tapi biarlah saya menyimpan rapat-rapat memori-memori kecil itu dalam kotak kenangan yang bisa dilihat sewaktu-waktu.

Ps: Saya masih main twitter kok.

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Catatan di Kuarter Pertama 2020

2020 has been pretty crazy, for basically everyone, so far. 

Indonesia mengawali tahun ini dengan banjir besar di banyak daerah. Cuaca ekstrim di bulan-bulan awal sempat menjadi sesuatu yang diakrabi penduduk. Diiringi kedatangan pandemi yang sampai hari ini, masih urung terlihat tepinya. Juga erupsi Gunung Anak Krakatau yang dentumannya terdengar sampai ibukota, dini hari tadi.

Bumi mulai lelah, teman-teman. Ditegur berkali-kali, namun tidak jera juga.

Cuma bencana alam, katanya.

Padahal siapa yang tahu, kalau-kalau Sang Khaliq memutuskan untuk mengakhiri dunia?

Tahun ini, mungkin tidak akan menjadi tahun terbaik untuk beberapa orang, pun mungkin sebaliknya. Meski ketakutan tidak pernah luput menghantui setiap langkah kita.

We never know what the future holds, after all. But I truly believe that Allah does.

Jangan lupa, langitkan doa-doa terbaik di setiap sujud.

Agar yang tadinya mustahil bisa terwujud.

Sampai ketemu, kalau umur belum ditutup. 

Semoga di hari itu, harapan juga belum redup.

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The Untamed (Mo Dao Zu Shi) Review

Hi! Been a while since the last time I wrote a series review. I recently watched The Untamed, a 50 episodes long xianxia Chinese series. Lol, yeas you didn't read it wrong, it's Chinese and xianxia (immortal people, cultivation things. In short, it's traditional-action kind of genre) one! Watching this was just a spur of moment decision, but well, what can you expect from an easily-trapped fat ball that is me? Obviously I can't help but to fall into this fandom hole. As always, this review is made for the sake of my messy mind. Not a proper review, big chance.

Uhm, a precaution. This series has boys love genre. If you're not fond of boys love, you probably won't like this one. I say probably because in the drama itself there are only implicit hints about this. In my opinion, it didn't cause me any discomfort whatsoever.

Okay, here we go.

The Untamed is a live-action drama adapted from a novel titled Mo Dao Zu Shi by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu. This series was flying up high last year, when the poor me was (a bit) underestimating the hype. Mostly because I'm not that fond of the genre. I could recall that time because I was in the middle of watching another good chinese drama that is Le Coup De Foudre (GOD PLEASE THIS IS SO FREAKING GOOD!!! Probably write the review later) and was like "what is this series of long-haired boy flying and fighting???" lmao it's such a shame that I'm now falling into the same pit of darkness.

It tells the story of Wei Wu Xian or Wei Ying (Xiao Zhan), a handsome, cheerful, young cultivator from YunmengJiang Sect and Lan Wangji or Lan Zhan (Wang Yibo), also a handsome yet indifferent cultivator from GusuLan Sect. To be honest, I'm having problem on describing their dynamics. With their 180 degrees different personality, they had their disagreements frequently. But as people say that opposite attracts, that's just how they are. At first, Lan Zhan was so bothered by the former. But as time changes, he grew on him. They were both smart, having equal skill in terms of cultivation, and pro to good side. So when Wei Ying dropped the "right" path, Lan Zhan constantly thought of what was it that Wei Ying saw and he didn't. Their journey to discover what's right and wrong went on through hurdles and collisions.

It's hard to tell the complete synopsis. It includes some heart-wrenching and tear-jerking back stories. But what I want to underline most from this series is the fight between right and wrong. There was a time when Wei Ying did something he considered right, but people accused him wrong. Including Lan Zhan, one that usually agrees with him. It's like Wei Ying against the world. People said that he was wrong, but they didn't want to see and hear the reason why a particular thing was right according to him. I could feel how frustrated he was at that time. But him being the stubborn boy that he was, kept on going no matter what.

That being said, I only could agree wholeheartedly. We really never know what intention people held in their hearts. Whether it's right or wrong, that's not our position to judge. It's their heart that matters. As Lan Xichen (Lan Zhan's brother) says, "Humans are humans because the way they are seen by others is based of themselves. They cannot be identified through right and wrong or black and white. When looking at someone, you cannot deem their qualities by only looking what is right and wrong or black and white. What matters is what their hearts believe in."

Shout out to Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo who have brilliantly portrayed these characters and gave them life! I can't imagine others as Wei Ying and Lan Zhan better than this two. That's how wonderfully portrayed their characters are. But of course, there's no single perfect thing in this world. So does this series. The CGI effect for fighting scene was so effing bad!!!! I always laughed every time they appeared. Sigh. Thank god, it didn't annoy me that much.

After Taste : Bittersweet feeling. I'm happy that they got a happy ending, but also sad to remember just how much they both had sacrificed for make it coming true.

Best Part : I probably have a bunch of favorite scenes. But mostly with Lan Zhan and Wei Ying on it ((lol what else))

Rating : Ah, personally 9/10. I love this one. The chemistry between the leads and the side characters are all woderful! 

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Seberkas Pikiran dari Sakitnya Mbah Kakung

“Makasih ya mbak, udah mau jagain mbah.” Tulis tante saya dalam sebuah pesan yang dikirimkannya beberapa saat lalu.

Saya pikir, menjaga mbah kakung hanyalah sebuah keharusan yang diturunkan dari ayah saya. Mandatory task saja. Namun ternyata hal tersebut dapat berubah menjadi sebentuk pertolongan kecil yang bisa saya berikan pada ayah dan om-tante yang harus tetap bekerja. Tumbuh di sekeliling keluarga besar yang hangat dan dekat dengan orangtua adalah sebuah anugerah yang harus saya syukuri, karena saya sadar tidak semua orang mendapatkannya. 

Dengan sendirinya saya menyadari bahwa mbah kakung memiliki porsi yang besar di hati setiap anak-anaknya, sebagaimana ayah dan ibu juga bagi saya. Orangtua yang jatuh sakit tentu menyebabkan tekanan yang luar biasa, disadari ataupun tidak. Dulu ketika ibu masuk rumah sakit, saya sampai harus mengulang ujian praktik bahasa inggris SMA. Guru saya sampai heran dan bertanya-tanya. Setelah kondisi ibu membaik, saya baru bisa kembali normal lagi.

Ketika anak-anak sudah menikah dan memiliki keluarga masing-masing, orangtua tentu tidak akan kemana-mana. Satu tanggung jawabnya telah lepas, namun jelas khawatir masih jadi teman setia. Ketika itu, siapa yang akan jadi penentram hari tuanya?

Banyak buku juga serial televisi yang menampilkan anak-anak yang sudah terlalu lelah mencari nafkah ataupun sibuk dengan dunianya hingga lupa menjenguk orangtua, seakan-akan orangtua tak lagi penting artinya. Mereka menganggap kiriman uang cukup menggantikan kehadiran, padahal materi sifatnya fana. Sementara kesepian adalah hantu yang paling menyiksa.

Saya belum menikah dan juga belum bekerja, jadi mungkin kesibukan belum menyita waktu saya hingga ketemu orangtua sudahlah nanti-nanti saja. Saya cuma ingin menjadikan ini pengingat, bahwa orangtua semakin butuh diperhatikan seiring bertambahnya usia. Jangan sampai menyesal ketika mereka telah tiada. 

Jakarta, 18 Februari 2020

Syafakallah, mbah kakung.

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